What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving (and What Not to Say)

When someone is grieving, the most comforting thing you can do is usually acknowledge the loss plainly, say the name of the person who died, and let them know you're there: "I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm thinking of you." You don't need the perfect sentence. What tends to hurt are phrases that shrink the pain ("She's in a better place") or hand out advice ("You should get out more").

Below you'll find words you can use in person, by text or in a card, the phrases best left unsaid, and the gestures that often matter more than words.

Why it's so hard to know what to say

Faced with someone's grief, most of us are afraid of getting it wrong. We worry that mentioning the person who died will reopen the wound, so we say nothing. Or we try to "fix" the sadness with a reassuring line.

But a grieving person isn't expecting you to take their pain away. What they need most is to feel seen. The Canadian Virtual Hospice suggests acknowledging the loss, naming the person who died, and keeping your words brief and sincere. Silence, even when it comes from good intentions, can feel like indifference.

Things to say that actually comfort

To acknowledge the loss

• "I'm so sorry about [name]."
• "I don't have the right words, but I'm thinking of you."
• "I can't imagine what this is like. I'm here."
• "This is so unfair, and it's awful."

To honor the person who died

• "I remember when [name]..."
• "[Name] had the best laugh."
• "I always admired the way she..."

Sharing a specific memory is often what touches people most. It reassures the family that their loved one won't be forgotten.

To offer help (specific help)

• "I'm bringing dinner on Tuesday. Pasta or soup?"
• "I can pick the kids up from school this week."
• "I'm grocery shopping Saturday. Text me your list."

A specific offer is much easier to accept than "Let me know if you need anything." Only offer what you can truly follow through on.

To take the pressure off

• "No need to reply."
• "Just letting you know I'm thinking of you."
• "Call me anytime, even if you don't want to talk."

Phrases to avoid (and what to say instead)

Most of these come from a kind place. But they can leave the grieving person feeling like their sadness is too much.

• "I know exactly how you feel." Every loss is different. Try instead: "I can't know exactly, but I'm here."
• "She's in a better place." It can minimize the loss. Try instead: "You're going to miss her so much."
• "At least he didn't suffer." "At least" shrinks the pain. Try instead: "I'm so sorry. This is so hard."
• "Everything happens for a reason." It can sting, especially when a death feels senseless. Try instead: "This isn't fair."
• "You have to be strong for the kids." It adds pressure. Try instead: "It's okay to fall apart sometimes."
• "It's time to move on." Grief has no deadline. Try instead: "Take all the time you need."
• "You're young, you can have another baby." (after a pregnancy or infant loss) No child replaces another. Try instead: "I'm thinking of you and your baby."

Also try not to tell your own grief story at length. If you've had a similar loss, one sentence is enough ("I lost my dad too, and I'm thinking of you"), then bring the focus back to them.

What to write in a sympathy card

A handwritten card has a special weight: the person can reread it months later. Three or four lines are plenty:

1. the name of the person who died;
2. a word of sympathy;
3. a memory or a quality you admired;
4. a promise of presence going forward.

Example: "Dear Julie, I'm so deeply sorry about your dad. I'll always remember his kindness and his stories at the lake. I'm thinking of you, and I'll call you next week."

So you're never caught without one, keep a small box of simple sympathy cards at home. When sad news arrives, you can write that very evening instead of putting it off because you don't have a card.

What to say by text or on social media

A text is perfectly fine, especially if you aren't a close friend. Keep it short and don't expect a reply:

• "I just heard about your brother. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you, no need to answer."
• "Thinking of you today and sending so much love."

On social media, a public comment shows support, but a private message usually feels more personal. Let the family share the news first.

What to say in the weeks and months after

In the first days, grieving people are often surrounded. Then the visits fade. That's often when support matters most.

• "I've been thinking about you. How are you really doing?"
• "It's been a month today. I'm thinking of [name]."
• "Want to go for a walk Saturday? We can talk about her, or about nothing at all."

Write down the important dates: the birthday of the person who died, Mother's or Father's Day, the first holiday season, the anniversary of the death. A message on those days shows you haven't forgotten.

If you're worried they're not okay

Sometimes grief becomes very heavy. If the person tells you they can't go on, that they see no reason to keep going, or if you're worried about their safety, take it seriously. Stay with them and reach out to the resources below together.

A gift that stays with them

Words sometimes fade, but something that walks alongside their grief stays. A guided journal gives a grieving person a place to write what's hard to say out loud, with gentle questions for each day. The 30-Day Grief Journal was designed for those first weeks, when everything feels like a blur.

Frequently asked questions

Is it better to say nothing than to say the wrong thing?

No. A simple, sincere sentence is better than silence. If you don't know what to say, say exactly that: "I don't know what to say, but I'm here."

Is it okay to mention the person who died?

Yes, and it's often deeply appreciated. Many grieving people fear their loved one will be forgotten. Saying their name and sharing a memory is a gift.

What should I say if I found out about the death late?

It's never too late. "I just heard about your mom, and I'm sorry I didn't reach out sooner. I'm thinking of you." Grief lasts a long time, and your message will be welcome.

What should I say to a grieving coworker?

Keep it simple: "I'm so sorry for your loss. If I can help with anything at work, just tell me." Respect their privacy if they'd rather not talk about it at the office.

Sources

• Canadian Virtual Hospice: Sending condolences
• Harvard Health Publishing: Ways to support someone who is grieving
• Cleveland Clinic: How to help loved ones dealing with grief during the holidays

This article is written with the help of artificial intelligence and reviewed by the Lantern Days team. It does not replace advice from a professional. See our Artificial intelligence page.