Anticipatory Grief: When You Start Grieving Someone Before They're Gone

Anticipatory grief is the grief you feel before a loss you know is coming: a parent nearing the end of life, a spouse with a serious illness, a mother slowly fading because of dementia. Feeling this sorrow before someone dies is normal. It doesn't mean you are giving up on them or loving them any less. If anything, it shows how much they matter to you.

If you are living in this painful in-between, here is what to know about anticipatory grief, and gentle ways to care for yourself while you care for someone else.

What is anticipatory grief?

Cleveland Clinic describes anticipatory grief as a collection of emotional, cognitive and behavioral reactions to an expected loss, such as the terminal illness or death of someone you love. University of Minnesota Extension puts it simply: it is experiencing grief before a loss.

According to AARP, this kind of grief can begin days, months or even years ahead of the loss. It often shows up:

• after a serious or terminal diagnosis;
• when a loved one enters hospice or palliative care;
• with dementia or Alzheimer's disease, as the person gradually changes;
• before a major transition, such as a divorce or retirement.

Cleveland Clinic notes that almost everyone experiences some form of anticipatory grief at some point in life. So even if it feels isolating, you are far from alone in this.

Signs of anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief often looks a lot like grief after a death. The sources we consulted describe common signs, including:

• deep sadness, anger or loneliness;
• worry and thoughts that keep circling back to the loss;
• feeling as though you are mourning the person as if they were already gone;
• trouble sleeping, eating or concentrating;
• pulling away from others, or even from the person who is ill;
• imagining the future without them, or replaying scenarios in your mind.

Many caregivers also carry guilt: guilt about being exhausted, about wishing the suffering would end, about already thinking about "after." AARP points out that fear, anxiety and guilt are all normal parts of this grief. Those thoughts don't make you a bad person. They make you human.

Is anticipatory grief helpful?

Cleveland Clinic and AARP both note that anticipatory grief can help you prepare for the loss, face your fears instead of avoiding them, and take care of unfinished business. For some people, it becomes a time to say "I love you," "thank you" or "I'm sorry."

Still, it doesn't replace the grief that comes after a death. Even if you cried a great deal beforehand, the loss can still knock you over when it arrives. And University of Minnesota Extension notes that people can grieve even if the expected loss doesn't happen the way they feared. There is no right way to go through it.

7 ways to cope with anticipatory grief

1. Acknowledge what is happening

AARP suggests acknowledging the reality in small doses, as it unfolds. Simply telling yourself, "I'm grieving, even though she's still here," can help explain your exhaustion and your tears.

2. Let your feelings exist

Cleveland Clinic encourages letting yourself feel your emotions instead of pushing them down, since suppressed feelings tend to come out in other ways. You can cry in the car, call a friend, write, walk. No feeling is off limits.

3. Move between facing the loss and taking breaks

University of Minnesota Extension recommends alternating between time spent facing the loss and time spent focused on other things. Watching a movie, seeing a friend, gardening or laughing a little isn't indifference. It's what keeps you going.

4. Make the most of the time you have

AARP suggests focusing on the meaningful time and moments that remain. A few gentle ideas, depending on how your loved one is doing:

• look through photos together and ask them to tell the stories;
• record their voice telling a story or sharing a family recipe;
• read to them or play their favorite music;
• simply hold their hand, without needing words;
• tell them what they taught you and what you will carry forward.

5. Lean on others

Talk with people who have been through something similar, Cleveland Clinic recommends. Accept help with meals, errands and appointments. Many hospice and palliative care teams also offer support to families, both before and after a death, so ask what is available.

6. Take care of your body

Sleep, food, water and a little movement are often the first things to go when you're caring for someone who is ill. Cleveland Clinic and University of Minnesota Extension both list them among the basics for getting through this grief. Setting small, realistic goals each day can also help you regain a sense of control.

7. Write it down

Writing gives the thoughts that keep you up at night somewhere to land: fears, memories, words you want to say. Keep a small notebook nearby, jot down something your loved one said that moved you, or write a letter you might read to them. Later, those pages will also become a treasure of memories.

When the loss comes, you can keep writing at your own pace. Our Grief Journal walks with you through the first weeks and months with guided pages, and spaces to keep your memories close.

When to get support

Cleveland Clinic advises seeking help at any stage, especially if grief keeps you from functioning day to day, if you have thoughts of suicide, or if you find yourself turning to alcohol or drugs to cope. A psychologist, a social worker, your doctor or the hospice team can support you.

And afterward

Anticipatory grief doesn't prepare you for everything. When your loved one dies, you may feel relief, a huge emptiness, or both at once. All of that is normal. Our articles on how long grief lasts and losing a parent can help with what comes next. For the first year, Stone & Light also offers a gentle path, month by month.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal to grieve before someone dies?

Yes. Anticipatory grief is a normal response to a loss you know is coming, such as a serious illness or the end of life. It doesn't mean you are giving up on the person.

Does anticipatory grief make grief shorter after death?

Not necessarily. It can help you prepare, but the sorrow after the loss can still be very strong. Every grief has its own pace.

Is it normal to feel relief when someone dies after a long illness?

Yes, relief is common, especially after a long period of suffering or caregiving. It can sit right beside deep sadness. Feeling relieved doesn't mean you loved them any less.

Does anticipatory grief happen with dementia?

Yes. When someone changes gradually because of dementia, the people who love them often grieve before death. This is sometimes called ambiguous loss. Our article on ambiguous loss explores it further.

Sources

• Cleveland Clinic: Anticipatory Grief, Symptoms and How To Cope
• University of Minnesota Extension: Anticipatory grief
• AARP: Anticipatory Grief, How To Manage Mourning a Loss Before It Happens

This article is written with the help of artificial intelligence and reviewed by the Lantern Days team. It does not replace advice from a professional. See our Artificial intelligence page.