The First Christmas After a Death: How to Get Through the Holidays While Grieving

The first Christmas after someone dies is often one of the hardest moments of grief. To get through it, plan ahead for what you need, give yourself permission to change traditions, find one simple way to honor the person you lost, and protect some quiet time for yourself. You don't have to feel festive, and you don't have to do things the way you always have. You only have to make it through the day, in your own way.

Here are practical ideas to help you prepare, get through the day itself, and take care of yourself across the whole holiday season.

Why the holidays hurt so much when you're grieving

Christmas is full of rituals, meals and memories. Every ornament, recipe and song can bring back the person who's missing. Everyone around you seems happy, and the gap between the celebration and what you feel inside can make you feel even more alone.

It's also often the first time the family gathers without them. The empty chair, the gift you no longer buy, the laugh that doesn't come: those absences suddenly become very visible. Feeling sadness, anger or even relief as the holidays approach is normal.

Sometimes the lead-up is harder than the day itself. The weeks before Christmas, with the ads, the music and the invitations, can be exhausting.

Before the holidays: getting ready

Decide what you want (and what you don't)

Take a moment to ask yourself: what would feel good this year? What feels like too much? You're allowed to say no to a big gathering, to shopping or to decorating. Mayo Clinic Health System suggests identifying the moments that are likely to be hard ahead of time and talking about them with the people close to you.

Tell your family what you need

Your loved ones don't always know how to help. Tell them plainly: "I might leave early this year," "I'd love for us to talk about Dad at dinner," or "I'd rather we skip the gift exchange."

Accept help

Let someone else cook, decorate or shop. It isn't weakness. It's a way to save your energy for what matters.

Have a plan B

Keep an exit: your own car, a quiet room to step into, a friend you can text. Knowing you can leave often makes it easier to stay.

Keep, change or pause your traditions

There's no right answer. Some families find comfort in doing exactly the same rituals. Others need to change everything this year:

• have dinner somewhere new, or at a restaurant;
• celebrate Christmas Eve at another relative's home;
• swap the big meal for a quiet brunch;
• go away for a few days;
• keep one tradition that really matters and let the rest go.

A change this year doesn't have to be permanent. You can go back to the old traditions next year, or create new ones.

Honoring your loved one during the holidays

Making a small space for the person who's missing often helps the day feel gentler. A few ideas:

• light a candle in their honor at the start of the meal;
• hang an ornament that reminds you of them on the tree;
• cook their favorite recipe and share where it came from;
• ask everyone to share a memory of them;
• write a note and tuck it into a stocking with their name;
• make a donation to a cause they cared about;
• look at photos together, or put together a small album.

A candle is one of the simplest ways to say "you're here with us." So it can glow all evening without being watched, near the tree or the kids, many families choose a flameless candle that looks like the real thing.

On the day itself: taking care of yourself

• Start the day gently, with a moment alone: a walk, a coffee, a few lines in your journal.
• Let the feelings come. Crying at the table doesn't "ruin Christmas." Laughing doesn't betray the person you lost. Both can happen on the same day.
• Take breaks. Step outside for a few minutes if you need to.
• Drink water, eat a little, rest if you can. Exhaustion makes everything heavier.
• Talk about them if you want to. Others often wait for you to go first.

If you're alone for the holidays

Grief can also mean spending Christmas alone for the first time. If that's your situation, plan your day ahead: a video call, a comforting movie, a meal you love, time outdoors. Accept an invitation, even for an hour. Many community organizations also offer meals and activities over the holidays, and 211 can help you find what's available near you in Canada and the United States.

If the sadness becomes too heavy, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, please don't stay alone with it.

After the holidays

Boxing Day and New Year's can be hard too: the celebration is over, the house is quiet, and a new year begins without them. Plan something gentle for those days as well. And remember: you don't have to "do the holidays well." Getting through them is already a lot.

Writing can help you set down what you lived through: what was hard, what surprised you, the memory that made you smile. Stone & Light walks with you through your whole first year, including difficult dates like the holidays.

Frequently asked questions

Is it normal not to want to celebrate Christmas after a death?

Yes, completely. Many grieving people don't feel like celebrating the first year. You can keep things simple, change your plans or celebrate later.

Should I still decorate the house?

Only if it feels good. You can put up just a few decorations, let someone else do it, or skip it this year.

How can I help children through the first Christmas without a loved one?

Keep a few familiar routines, explain simply that everyone misses the person, and invite them to join a small gesture in their memory, like a drawing or an ornament.

Is the second Christmas easier?

Not always. For some people the second Christmas feels softer; for others it's just as hard, because people around them talk about the loss less. There's no right way to live these dates.

Sources

• Mayo Clinic Health System: Grief during holidays, finding hope
• Cleveland Clinic: How to help loved ones dealing with grief during the holidays
• Canadian Psychological Association: "Psychology Works" Fact Sheet: Grief in Adults

This article is written with the help of artificial intelligence and reviewed by the Lantern Days team. It does not replace advice from a professional. See our Artificial intelligence page.